I'm not going to go into the reasons why the breakup was a good or bad idea or if the reasons for it were valid or lame-o. I'm not even sure we 100% meant for it to turn into what it did when we started the deciding conversation. In the end, it was mutual. We had a peaceful final talk the day he "moved out" (I never realized how much stuff of his was entrenched in my apartment over time!). No hard feelings on either side; on the contrary, it was a very affectionate farewell.
Even though I didn't want to be in the relationship any longer, I did still spend a couple of days spinning in my head. In the end, I realized I was doing myself no favors. What's done is done. I went for a long run by the water in the East River park today after work; running is often almost like meditating to me. By mile four, I was in my "zone". By mile five, I had an epiphany, and felt a glow of love and acceptance. At the end of mile six, I finally felt peace for the first time in days - and disappointed that my run was over.
My running epiphany was: I am grateful. Knowing P enriched my life. I've always run, but only under fluorescent lights on the hamster machine in the gym. Now, after running with P outdoors so much, I really look forward to breathing non-recycled air while running. There may even be a half marathon in my future, which was unthinkable before. Through P, I met many fun, genuine people who I truly like and hope against odds to keep as semi-friends. I've gone to tons of awesome restaurants and bars with P, and have learned how much fun one can have while waiting for a table with no reservations. I acquired a Wisconsin accent. I got asked if I was a professional bartender at the huge party I threw for P because I was slinging those cocktails like nobody's business.
I am glad that he off-handedly said that I should get a new AnnElizabethCreations stamp custom-made (the old one has my defunct website on it so I can't use it) so I can stamp the back of each card I make. It was serendipitous that we happened to walk past what must be one of the only rubber stamp stores in the city, and I bought the materials needed to put it all together.
I haven't lost my gigantic appetite for life. I'm continuing with salsa classes; I would love to dance at salsa clubs. I am going to classical/Latin guitar classes. I signed up for a day-long hike and swim in the Appalachian Mountains. I am volunteering again. I am leading a taco crawl in Sunset Park. I hosted a friend for gin and homemade tonic cocktails and Sunday dinner; feeding people makes me infinitely happy. I bought more moisture-wicking tops for running. I am reconnecting with long-neglected friends and realizing anew how much I love them and how much they care about and support me.
Breakups - even ones where it's mutual - are always a bit sad, especially if there was a lot of time spent together. It's all still fresh right now, but after my run this evening, I have gained peace and clarity. All things are transient; all emotions eventually pass. I just have to be kind to myself and allow myself to grieve a little. I remember the good parts of our time together, of which there were many. He will be missed, for a little bit at least.
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